Welcome to Barkmouth University

Okay, so before you all yell at me for being M.I.A for a little over two weeks, please let me explain my absence. I have been keeping this under wraps for a little while, because I didn’t know how I would like it or if I would even stick with it. However, it has been about a month, and I am loving it, so I am ready to share with the world my secret – the reason I have been quiet for a little while.

Well folks, here it goes…

I enrolled in college.

I know, I know. A dog in college! That makes absolutely no sense. Well either does a dog writing a blog, but you see that is happening.

 

I sent in my application to Barkmouth University, the canine version to the Ivy League Darmouth University. It was a long shot, but I finally got the acceptance letter. They said they were highly impressed with my personal writing on my blog. So I decided to start in the four year Journalism program.

 

 

So far college has been pretty great. Well there are some aspects that kind of suck, but overall, I am loving the experience.

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I’ve officially started hitting the bar scene. Tasted my first Grey Goose shot. You know how I feel about birds. Let’s just say, I am hooked. Plus it is a great place to pick up babes. I had three walk up to me the other night.

 

 

 

 

I have also learned that 8 o’ clock classes suck. Especially mornings after I have had a few too many Grey Gooses. I don’t know why I decided to take a Chemistry class that dang early. I blame my advisor.

 

 

 

 

 

As far as classes go, I am knocking out a few of my Gen Ed classes. Those are the worst. Like why are you required to take random classes that have absolutely nothing to do with your degree. Oh well, rant is short and is now over.

My first course is Philosophy. My mom said she took one of these in college and it turned her brain to mush. So looks like I have a lot to look forward to. I thought college was supposed to strengthen the brain, not ruin it.

I am also taking Performing Arts. Dad always says I am overdramatic, so I should not have any problem acing this class. Main subject of study is the art of begging, so I know I already have that down. Just ask the piece of pizza currently digesting in my belly.

Finally, I am diving in to some Chemistry. Apparently, it has nothing to do with how much a girl is in to you. So that kind of stinks. However, we are mainly focusing on Advanced Gas Passing. So that kind of stinks too – literally this time.

I can also choose an extra-furricular activity to do in my spare time. I may go with Anatomy, because I hear you get to dissect some small animals. I am hoping it will be birds, seeing as how I have already dissected a few of those myself. Maybe I will start off with some bonus points for how many I have already examined. I would be up to about five extra points already.

So yea, the next few months are going to be long and stressful, but I am ready to kick some major tail!

I will do my best to keep you updated on the many adventures that come along with college, but please be patient with me, after all, I did just discover Grey Goose.

 

 

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The 28 Weird Things I Admit as a Dog Owner

Every time I open my Facebook, I am bombarded by posts about dogs. And I love it! I recently came across and shared a post by Buzz Feed, listing the 35 weird things dog owners have secretly done. But on Marlee and Me Blog, there are no secrets. So, I have replied to 28 out of the 35 items mentioned. Continue below. I am not ashamed to be a dog obsessed owner, and neither should you.

1. Call your dog by a nickname more often than you use their actual name.

His name is Duke, but he is more commonly known to me as Dukie and Bubs. Zach likes to call him Batman, as you learned from a previous post why, and Scooter, after Scooter Crunch Bars, because he sure does love ice cream.

2. Have several varieties of that nickname that get weirder and weirder as time goes on.

Sometimes it is just Dukie, and other times it is Dukie Wookie – no idea where the Wookie part came from. Sometimes I even go as far as calling him Dukie Wookie the Cutie. Definitely gets longer and weirder, and trust me, Dukie Wookie the Cutie thinks it’s strange too.

3. Make up songs about your dog.

Oh, Zach and I love making up songs about Duke all the time. We have recently been singing the Batman theme song as he enters the room. Other than that, I like to sing “Dukie is a Cutie – With a little black Bootie. This is sung to the tune of the Jeepers Creepers song. Not sure why – they are definitely not similar. Anyway, I sing it all the time and have added in some appropriate dance moves.

4. Or put their name into songs that are already popular.

Instead of Brown Eyed girl, I like to sing Brown Eyed Dog. Very appropriate. Pretty much any song on the radio, I can change to be about Duke, and trust me, it happens often.

5. Lie on the floor to see what they would do if you fainted.

He sits on me. No, not beside me. On me. I think that is his way of showing love…at least I hope. Let’s just say, if I was actually in trouble, I don’t think sitting on top of me would be very beneficial, but hey, at least he tried.

6. Do a photo shoot of your dog every time they fall asleep.

I do a photo shoot of Duke every time he does anything, well accept pooping. I don’t document that. But yes, when he falls asleep, he is adorable, and I most definitely snap quite a few pictures. Until he wakes up and gives me that popular hate glare you see in some of his pictures.

7. Hold their paws because the paw pads are all squidgy.

I hold his paws when we are snuggled in bed at night. You know, just so he knows I am there.

8. Stare at them and wonder what they’re thinking…

Oh, all the time. He thinks I am a freak. Especially when I tear up thinking about how much I love him or how life before him or life after him was and will be meaningless. I am pathetic

9. …like if they KNOW you’re their owner…

Oh, he knows.

10. …and whether they like you.

He for sure loves me.
11. Feel offended if nobody asks to pet your dog when you take them out for a walk.

That never happens. He is a babe magnet.

12. Show them what they look like on your phone front camera.

He avoids looking at the camera at all costs. Unless there is a treat enticing him. People think he is photogenic, but they haven’t seen the “behind the scene” attempts.

13. Be shocked that they’re “nude” whenever you take their collar off.

Every night. Never gets old. He always looks so sad when his collar comes off. As if he isn’t owned anymore. Very dramatic.

14. Remember important milestones in your dog’s life better than you remember your own.

Oh, of course. I have this blog to thank for every event that we have documented. Notice I said “we,” as if Duke really writes some of the blog posts.

15. Flip your dog’s ears back and compliment them on their hairstyle.

Zach does this. He thinks it is hilarious. Duke, not so much.

16. Feel upset when your dog sits by someone else other than you.

Most definitely. I do everything for that dog, and the fact that he likes to snuggle up to Zach more in bed, is appalling. I think it is just because he makes a better pillow. Yea, we will go with that.

17. Point at the TV whenever dogs are on to see their reaction.

Oh yea. He loved watching “The Secret Life of Pets” with me and “A Dog’s Purpose,” where I just bawled my eyes out on his fur, acting like Duke was all emotional too. He wasn’t, He was just sleeping.

18. Think every dog that’s the same breed as yours could be a distant relative.

Nope, Duke is one of a kind. No one is as cute as him or as great as him.

19. Say “bless you” when they sneeze.

Yes, I have to be an example to him of how you have manners. He can’t grow up to be rude. Plus I like to say “Oh my, you are sleeeeepy,” every time he yawns.

20. Avoid getting up to do something because it would mean your dog has to move from their comfy position.

It’s the most heart breaking thing. Don’t do it. Just don’t move…EVER!

21. Ask to be put on the phone to your dog when you’re away from them.<div

I try to facetime him all the time. He never knows what is going on.

22. Try to trick your dog when they won’t give you the ball during fetch, by acting like you don’t want it anyway.

Nope. All I have to do is bend down and stare into his sweet eyes. He drops it right away.

23. Feel proud when your dog pees outside even though they’ve been housetrained for ages.

You always have to be the proud parent. Plus he gets a treat every time. Man, he pees like a hose though!

24. Say that your dog “made a friend today” every time they spend more than 10 seconds with another dog.

Or will the little girl Emma who brings him milk bones every time we walk.

25. Drop a little bit of food on the floor and debate whether you should clean it up or let your living-vacuum dog get to it first.

There is no debate. He gets anything that drops. Heck, he gets food even when it doesn’t drop. Plus, he doesn’t really give you a choice. He attacks it before you can think about cleaning it up.

26. And talk to them in a baby voice that you’d be embarrassed if anyone else ever heard.

I am not embarrassed. Zach, doesn’t like it.

27. Put off a socialising thing because you’d rather be at home with them.

This may or may not be true… Okay, it’s true.

28. And call your dog a baby no matter how old and big they get.

He is my baby. Always will be.

Now come on – all you dog owners have some things to confess. I would like to hear some of your responses to this. Please share. We can laugh with each other and at each other, all at the same time.

Top Five Faves for your next Beach Trip

Hello everyone!

I know, I know – it's been a few hot minutes since Duke or I have posted anything. Forgive us, we have been on vacation. Then I had to come back to work, which was slightly painful – okay, a lot painful. The first day back to work after an amazing week off, is like ripping off  Band-Aid – painful, but you have to get it over quickly, or it will be even more excruciating.

Yes, I took a much needed and much deserved vacation, and it felt oh so good. I am already counting down the days until I go back next year. Only about 355 more to go. I think I can make it until then.

I went back to Topsail Island, North Carolina this year. I mean, you can't go wrong with its breathtaking views, delicious food and desserts, small town feel, and un-crowded beaches. Plus this year, we got to witness baby sea turtles going out to sea, so it was truly a great experience. One I can't wait to relive next year.

I felt like we had a lot more figured out this year when planning vacation.

We packed all the right gear, which helped the drive down and our time on the beach to be easy and relaxing.

So, I am going to share with you the Top Five Faves to bring on your next vacation:

 

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The Portable Beach Mat Chair: Easy to carry. Easy to store. Has a pouch to put your towel in it to keep it dry, as well as provide you with a comfortable beach headrest. Lays on the sand like a towel, and can be propped up or placed down based on preference. Can be bought on Amazon for $40.

 

 

 

$_35

 

Large Utility Tote: Multiple side pockets to store water bottles, sun tan lotion, and water shoes in. Easy to clean material. Can be bought on Amazon, EBay, or through any 31 brand sellers you may know.

 

 

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Thermal Lunch Bag: Great to keep sandwiches and drinks cold on the car ride to and from the beach. Also  keeps frozen water bottles cold while at the beach. Can be bought on Amazon, EBay, or through any 31 brand sellers you may know.

 

 

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Avene SPF 50 Face Lotion: I was super excited to get this in my Summer Fab Fit Fun Box. Especially, since last year, my face and hairline were the first things to burn on my body. It is small and easy to carry and provides excellent protection without feeling oily on your skin. Can be worn every day under your makeup as a moisturizer too! Can be purchased on the Avene website for $30.

 

 

 

bkr BKR water Bottles: Makes hydrating cute and easy! All BKR water bottles are made from glass and come with a removable silicon cover. You will hydrate yourself in style at the beach. Small enough to make it easy to carry. And, because it is made of glass, it is healthier, reusable, and easy to clean. I got mine in my Summer Fab Fit Fun Box, but you can get them at mybkr.com.

 

Well that is all for now folks. Happy Vacationing!

The Night I Became Batman

It started out just like any other night.

Marlee was in the tub soaking away the stress of the day in a lavender bubble bath, illuminated with the sweet smell of a vanilla candle.

I was sprawled out on the bed waiting for her to finish up so we could cuddle and watch a movie together for the remainder of the evening.

The water finally started draining, and Marlee walked into the bedroom. She laid down on the bed beside me, and for a few minutes, we stared at the sunset coming through the bedroom window. It was a beautiful sight. Then when the sun finally hid behind the house, Marlee grabbed the remote to turn on the TV.

Like I said, it started out like any other night. Except, it didn't stay a normal night.

Marlee heard a noise. It sounded like something flapping through the air. She muted the TV, and the sound could still be heard. Was it a bird? No. Was it a plane? No. Was it even Superman? No. It was nothing other than a bat!

It waited for dusk to emerge from the wall, but when it finally escaped, it came flying through the air like a bat out of Hell – pun intended.

It swooped down towards where Marlee was laying. Was mom going to be the hero that saved us both from the terrible creature? No. Instead, she threw the covers up over her head and started screaming. Mom, this wasn't a burglar – it was a bat.

It kept flying down towards the bed in a continuous circle, and Marlee, well she kept screaming. There was only one thing left to do. I leaped from the bed, and in mid air, I grabbed that bat from the air.

It screamed. It wailed. It screeched.

I didn't care how much that thing yelled. I wasn't going to let it go. This was my mom. This was my house. This was my life. This bat did not belong.

But it finally did escape my jaw's clutches, and flew out of the room and started down the stairs. That wasn't going to be how this story ended.

I bolted down the stairs after that creature. I ran so fast, that I lost a toenail in the process. That is when you know it is serious business.

I saw the bat out of the corner of my eye. My adrenaline was the highest it could get at this point. I took my paw and I swatted that bat out of mid-air. It fell to the ground, paralyzed in fear.

It was not dead yet, but I had done my job. Dad finally got home and took it from there.

But, hey, I did save my mom from getting turned into a vampire. I think that is what happens when a human gets bit by a bat. Well at least in all of the movies that I've seen.

So yea, it started out just like any other night.

But, it didn't stay a normal night. No, that night, was a special night. That night is when I turned into…..

Na-Na-Na-Na

Na-Na-Na-Na

Na-Na-Na-Na

Na-Na-Na-Na Batman.

And then the next night. It started out just like any other night, except it wasn't just like any other night.

I heard a noise coming from the bathroom. I sensed that something was not right. I bolted into the bathroom, and there it was staring at me. Another bat.

I transformed: Fangs made of nails. A tail made of a flogger. A paw with the force of a baseball bat being swung at 70mph.

I transformed again into….

Na-Na-Na-Na

Na-Na-Na-Na

Na-Na-Na-Na

Na-Na-Na-Na Batman.

 

 

 

July Fourth: Pee Indepantis Day

I went somewhere last night where no dog has ever went before.

Well, I may be exaggerating slightly -okay, I am exaggerating a lot. Plenty of dogs have been to this place willingly. Heck, some dogs even love this place. Me, not so much. This place is like my own personal Hell.

Throw a treat in there. Still not entering. Throw my toy in there. Still not going in. Not even a white paw will grace the floor of this place.

Trust me, I’ve been in this place before. I’ve been drug in against my will. What happens after being forced in this place, well I just can’t speak of that. It is horrible. No dog should ever have to experience that level of torture. Even thinking about my past experiences in there gives me night terrors. I haven’t been able to sleep fully since that horrid day.

So what happened last night that was horrible enough to make me enter Hell, you ask. The end of the world was happening – that’s what. Well, I actually heard my mom and dad say something about how it was Independence Day, and the world was celebrating the country’s freedom with what they call fireworks. But those sounds sure didn’t sound like freedom to me, and why would  you celebrate something by setting the sky on fire. I clearly remember reading something about that in the Bible, and trust me, it didn’t end well for some people.

To me, it sounded like there were bombs going off. The bright lights were piercing the blackened sky. It was like a war zone out there. I thought the government was coming after me for my recent transgressions – I had killed three more birds within two days. Anyway, let’s move on.

I literally saw my life flash before my eyes. Well, it could have been the fireworks flashing before my eyes, but that is besides the point. It was horrifying.

And worst yet, I was alone. Not completely alone, but alone in the bedroom. Mom was in the shower and dad was taking the trash out.

There was nowhere to hide. There was no one around to hold me, so I did the only thing I could think of to do in that moment…

I went into the bathroom!

Remember how I said earlier how not even a little white paw would grace that place. Well my whole body graced that place last night.

I ran through the cracked door and huddled on the black rug near the sink. I still tried to maintain a safe distance away from the bathtub and the shower.

My mom didn’t even know I entered the room. That is how stealthy I was about it. You know, just in case she got any awful ideas to force me in the shower for a bath. No thank you. Plus, I made sure to lay on the solid black rug, that way I would camouflage to it. I was like a chameleon.


She stopped the water and stepped out of the shower. She was on her way out of the door, when she saw something black out of the corner of her eye. At first, she thought it was either a black towel that fell or even the colony of bats that have been living up in the attic recently. But that is another story for another day.

When she looked over, and saw me laying on the bathroom floor, she just started laughing, which in my opinion, was kind of rude. I was only trembling in fear. I think she just thought it was funny that I was actually in the bathroom willingly – that had never happened, ever, and probably will never happen again. Well, unless they decide to celebrate freedom again next year – I sure hope not. Listen, I am not anti freedom. I love freedom. I am just anti celebrating freedom with bright bombs blowing up in the sky for apparently human entertainment. You humans are weird.

Eventually, she leaned down to hug me, kiss me, and comfort me. I finally felt safe.

We both walked back into the bedroom, and that is where I stayed the rest of the evening. Getting loved by my humans. Well, at least until they kicked me off of the bed to sleep.

The moral of this story: Bathrooms are terrifying, but when the world is coming to an end due to fireworks, sometimes the bathroom is your only place to hide.

Orange is NOT My New Black

I know it has been a while since you have heard from me. I do apologize. But if you follow my blog, you would have known that I have been in the big house recently for murder.

They have finally released me on good behavior. I know to you humans, it has only been about two short weeks that I have been jailed, but in dog years, that equals about two years.

Thank goodness I am out. Orange just wasn’t my color, and that crap they were feeding me in there was literal dog food –  No, not the high end kibble I am used to. It was giving me some serious digestive problems, if you know what I mean. And for some of you that are kind of slow on grasping things, the food in there gave me the serious shits… Oh, yea, I also learned that word in there. No one says poop or even crap. No, in there you have to seem tough and bad to the bone, or you just won’t make it.

While I was in there, I also got some ink. Yea, my cell mate Butch knew a guy named Spike – a real artistic fellow. I’m not sure how he got the tools to give me the tattoo. I think he said something about keistering it in from the outside. Not sure what that means, but it seemed pretty sanitary, and Spike seemed like a gentle soul, so I let him go for it. He did have a tear drop tattoo coming down from his right eye. I figured that meant he was a softy, so him holding a needle to my body, really didn’t phase me.

Don’t worry, I did get something tasteful. I got the typical tough guy tattoo – you know the word “MOM” written in bold inside a heart. I did get a few spikes added around the heart. Needed to be a little bit manly so that no one would dare to mess with me in there. 1. Because they know I have a mom waiting on me back home and 2. Because they see those spikes and they know I mean business. Plus, the spikes were added for free. It is kind of Spike’s signature for every tattoo he does. How else do you think he got that nickname. Well, I also heard a rumor that he shanked people on the street with spikes, but I try not to think about people in here like that. Otherwise, you would probably never leave the cell due to fear.

I also took some classes in my spare time. I wanted to come out more educated. I took an Algebra I class just because I had nothing better to do on Mondays at 3 pm, and I also threw in a Spanish class on Wednesdays. I mean Spanish is a growing language in our country. Taco Bells are popping up everywhere these days, so I wanted to be able to go in there and order with confidence. It was also because I was obsessed with that new Spanish Justin Beiber song, and I wanted to know what the heck he was saying. Let’s just say, that song is kind of dirty. Definitely not something I am going to go home and share with my mother.

I also learned to play some serious hoops. Like the NBA has nothing on the basketball players that prison has. In fact, I think in order to be successful in the NBA, the players need to spend some time on the inside and learn how to actually play the game. I mean, Lebron James is okay, but he couldn’t even compete with the guy we call “Three Point Joe.”

And although I have evolved as a dog by being in prison, I am ready to be out in the real world again. I can’t wait to cuddle with my mom – I will probably wait  a little bit to show her the tattoo. Although, I might want to show her sooner than later, because I do have a weird, burning rash forming around it.

I also can’t wait to sink my teeth into some Fat Angelo’s pizza. Yea, I’ve been having dreams about it every night. I actually think that will be the first thing I request upon my arrival home.

Finally, I just can’t wait to finally chase some serious tail. I know I am a good looking canine, but once you get that “bad boy” image, you pretty much become irresistible to the opposite sex. Plus I can whisper a little Justin Beiber Spanish in their ears: Quiero desnudarte a besos despacito. Firmo en las paredes de tu laberinto.Y hacer de tu cuerpo todo un manuscrito (And that’s just a taste). If you want to know what that little line means, Google translate it, but do not tell my mom I am saying things like that. However, I know that will really get the ladies running in my direction.

So yea, you should be hearing more from me now since I am out of the big house. I am still on parole for another year, so I can’t kill any more birds or even try to attack any more cats until then, but I still can blog all I want.

I know you’ve all missed me. But I am back, and this time, I am not going anywhere!

 

 

The Adult Fruit Roll-Up

Facebook is great for advertising delicious looking sweets, that make you uncontent with life, until you go to Walmart and spend 20 plus dollars buying the ingredients and an hour preparing them, just to see if the taste is as good as the picture. 

Well Facebook has nailed me with this the last two weeks. First it was the Banana Bread Bottomed Cheesecake, and this week was an Angel Food, fruit and cream cheese roll up. Both were amazing, but I would have to say the Angel Food dessert stole the show. 

I decided it was appropriate to try for the Memorial Day holiday, only partially because of the patriotic color combination made with the blueberry and strawberry topping. I mostly decided to give it a go, because I know my dad is obsessed with blueberries and the rest of the family, well, we just like anything sweet. 

It was a true success! Well the taste of it anyway. The look, not-so-much. As you can see with the below expectation vs. reality picture I posted on Snapchat. 


Yea, it didn’t look as pretty as the Facebook picture, but I also don’t claim to be Betty Crocker. However, I knew it was a true success, when there was not even a crumb left in the pan, and Brandi kept sneaking bites from the rest of us. 

Anyway, I am here to share how to make this delicious dessert with all of you, since the Fourth of July is right around the corner. But honestly, don’t wait that long to try it out. Give it a trial run first, simply for your pleasure. 

The Adult Fruit Roll-Up 

Ingredients | •Box of Angel Food Cake Mix •8 oz cream cheese • 1.5 cups of heavy cream •1 teaspoon of vanilla extract •1.5 cups of strawberries •1.5 cups of blueberries •powdered sugar 

Preparation | •Prepare the Angel Food Cake Mix, following the directions on the box •Pour onto backing sheet on top of parchment/wax paper •Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes • Lay a clean dish towel flat on the counter and sprinkle powdered sugar on the towel, before placing the cake on top of the towel, and removing the wax paper from underneath •Roll the cake, along with the towel, up •Let cool at room temperature for two hours, or if you are too eager, place in freezer for a few minutes until the cake cools down •While that is cooling, prepare the cream cheese mix, by combining softened cream cheese, heavy cream, vanilla, and 3/4 cups of powdered sugar together until smooth •Remove cake from freezer and spread half of the cream cheese mixture on top of it. Also add strawberries and blueberries as well •Roll the cake back up, this time without the towel • After it is rolled up, spread the rest of the cream cheese on top and the remainder of the fruit as well •Finally, eat up, and try to share! 

Trust me, this will not disappoint. It is amazing! Just might not look as pretty as anticipated. But it doesn’t need to look pretty to get in your belly. As you can see, I didn’t have any issue downing the first piece even before taking it to the picnic.