July Fourth: Pee Indepantis Day

I went somewhere last night where no dog has ever went before.

Well, I may be exaggerating slightly -okay, I am exaggerating a lot. Plenty of dogs have been to this place willingly. Heck, some dogs even love this place. Me, not so much. This place is like my own personal Hell.

Throw a treat in there. Still not entering. Throw my toy in there. Still not going in. Not even a white paw will grace the floor of this place.

Trust me, I’ve been in this place before. I’ve been drug in against my will. What happens after being forced in this place, well I just can’t speak of that. It is horrible. No dog should ever have to experience that level of torture. Even thinking about my past experiences in there gives me night terrors. I haven’t been able to sleep fully since that horrid day.

So what happened last night that was horrible enough to make me enter Hell, you ask. The end of the world was happening – that’s what. Well, I actually heard my mom and dad say something about how it was Independence Day, and the world was celebrating the country’s freedom with what they call fireworks. But those sounds sure didn’t sound like freedom to me, and why would  you celebrate something by setting the sky on fire. I clearly remember reading something about that in the Bible, and trust me, it didn’t end well for some people.

To me, it sounded like there were bombs going off. The bright lights were piercing the blackened sky. It was like a war zone out there. I thought the government was coming after me for my recent transgressions – I had killed three more birds within two days. Anyway, let’s move on.

I literally saw my life flash before my eyes. Well, it could have been the fireworks flashing before my eyes, but that is besides the point. It was horrifying.

And worst yet, I was alone. Not completely alone, but alone in the bedroom. Mom was in the shower and dad was taking the trash out.

There was nowhere to hide. There was no one around to hold me, so I did the only thing I could think of to do in that moment…

I went into the bathroom!

Remember how I said earlier how not even a little white paw would grace that place. Well my whole body graced that place last night.

I ran through the cracked door and huddled on the black rug near the sink. I still tried to maintain a safe distance away from the bathtub and the shower.

My mom didn’t even know I entered the room. That is how stealthy I was about it. You know, just in case she got any awful ideas to force me in the shower for a bath. No thank you. Plus, I made sure to lay on the solid black rug, that way I would camouflage to it. I was like a chameleon.


She stopped the water and stepped out of the shower. She was on her way out of the door, when she saw something black out of the corner of her eye. At first, she thought it was either a black towel that fell or even the colony of bats that have been living up in the attic recently. But that is another story for another day.

When she looked over, and saw me laying on the bathroom floor, she just started laughing, which in my opinion, was kind of rude. I was only trembling in fear. I think she just thought it was funny that I was actually in the bathroom willingly – that had never happened, ever, and probably will never happen again. Well, unless they decide to celebrate freedom again next year – I sure hope not. Listen, I am not anti freedom. I love freedom. I am just anti celebrating freedom with bright bombs blowing up in the sky for apparently human entertainment. You humans are weird.

Eventually, she leaned down to hug me, kiss me, and comfort me. I finally felt safe.

We both walked back into the bedroom, and that is where I stayed the rest of the evening. Getting loved by my humans. Well, at least until they kicked me off of the bed to sleep.

The moral of this story: Bathrooms are terrifying, but when the world is coming to an end due to fireworks, sometimes the bathroom is your only place to hide.

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