Well Hello 2017, I’ve Already Failed You. 

Three days in and I already broke every resolution for 2017. What can I say, they were all unrealistic goals. But let’s face it, they usually are.

I figured since I was obviously on Santa’s Naughty List, seeing as how I was forced into the shower not even a week after putting the no shower policy on my Christmas list, that I just wouldn’t try this year. What’s the use. I only gave mom a list of resolutions to please her in the moment, but sorry mom, they just are not going to work out for me.

Like the get into shape resolution. Come on, I know most of you are familiar with this one. You join Planet Fitness, determined to lose some weight, but then they throw Pizza Monday’s at you, and the hope of a slimmer body quickly goes on the back burner. The marketing department at that facility sure knows how to work the system. They deserve a round of applause. Anyway, I didn’t even get that far. Gym membership? Ha – not likely. I’ll just stick to running up and down the stairs whenever the fridge door opens or the mail lady approaches. Cheese is better than the treadmill. And face it folks, most of you won’t make it past a month.

Then there is the watch what you eat resolution. Yes, I promised mom and dad that I would cut back on the snacking, but when Pizza Monday happened in the Clabaugh residence, that ended. Geez, pizza seems to be the root of all the problems this year. Ha – just kidding on that one – pizza is never a problem. But, they can’t be mad at me for breaking this one already, after all, they were the ones feeding me the pizza crust from the table. They have no one to blame but themselves. Shame on them. What kind of example are they setting. Anyway, it’s been three days since I made this resolution, and I’ve already had pizza, bagels, french fries, ice cream, raw hides, and some dog treats. As Miley Cyrus would say, “I can’t stop. Won’t stop.” – and I’m not sorry about it.

Finally, there is the be a better self resolution. But my thought on this one is, how can you be a better self, when you are already fabulous. Sure, mom and dad said I should get less lippy with the mail lady, be more polite to my golden aunt, stop digging holes in the yard, and keep the farts to a minimum. But why on earth would I do any of that? That is like telling me to stop being a dog, and I don’t know much about how life works, but I don’t think that’s possible. So sorry mom and dad, but you get what you get with me. Once again, you have no one to blame but yourselves on this one. After all, you did pick me out at the shelter. You knew what you were getting into.

You know what I think? I think all of us animals and all of you humans should stop kidding ourselves. Resolutions are stupid and they rarely work. So for 2017, I think we should all try something new. We should not join the gym. Instead, binge watch more Netflix or read more books. Do something that will actually bring enjoyment into your life. We should eat whatever we want. Who cares if what you crave isn’t healthy. We weren’t put on this earth to be miserable, and honestly, there is just too much delicious goodies out there to waste. And we should not try to be someone or something we are not, instead we should just be ourselves. If people don’t like who you are, then they don’t need to be in your life. Simple as that. There are plenty of people who will love you for who you are.

So 2017, welcome. My resolution for this year is to not change a thing. To just be who I’ve always been. After all, if it’s not broke, then don’t fix it.


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