Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

It’s me, Duke. You know your favorite blog writing canine. Now come on – I know you remember me. I’m the one who ate the entire plate of cookies that was left by the fireplace for you last year. I do apologize for that incident, and yes, I regretted the decision to consume all that sugar, chocolate, and that tall glass of milk the next morning. And don’t worry, my family definitely caught on to what happened when I spent most of the morning out on the lawn. As Uncle Eddie from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation would say, “The shitter was full.”

Okay, okay, enough of past events, let’s move on to this year. I have grown up – I have matured. But whether I’ve been good or bad, naughty or nice…well that just depends on who you ask. If you ask the mail lady, she will tell you I deserve a lump of coal in my stocking. I guess she doesn’t like my aggressive greeting everyday as she puts the mail on the porch. I always wonder why she runs down the steps so fast. But if you ask my mom, and we both know she is the only one you should be worrying about, I deserve everything on my list. I’m the cutest, sweetest, greatest gift sent from above if you ask her. So Santa, I know she may be slightly biased, but take her word for it. The mail lady probably slipped and hit her head one day running down the steps. She can’t be trusted until after passing a concussion test. After all, it’s  protocol.

So enough of the rant. Let’s get to what this blog post is all about. My Christmas list. Don’t worry, I only asked for a small collection of items. Nothing that will break the piggy bank.

First on the list, are poop bags. You know, in case I slip up on those cookies again this year. What can I say, they are hard to turn down when they are in snout’s reach. It will be a gift for me and the family. And sorry in advance for stealing all the goods. But come on, don’t you think you get enough for yourself. Quit being greedy.

Next up, is a gift card to Dominoes. I’m tired of only getting pizza crust when it is convenient for the humans. I want it whenever I want it and I don’t want to share. Okay, maybe mom will get a piece, but that is all I am offering.

Then I want a year pass, signed by you, stating that I am exempt from getting a bath. Just make sure you give mom and dad some Febreeze, so they can get rid of the stench. But please Santa, hear a dog’s plea. I can’t handle another one of those punishments.

Finally, I want a year supply of rawhides. I don’t want to ever run out. If I don’t have a rawhide to chew on each day, there will be one upset pooch. The mail lady will not be the only one running down the steps.

Well, there you go. See, I told you it wasn’t going to be too extensive of a list. You know, I just want the basics. Stuff that every canine desires.

I will be seeing you in a few days. And whether or not you have cookies waiting on you, well that is still yet to be determined.

Sincerely,

Duke.

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