PetSmart. What you humans like to refer to as Heaven on Earth for critters like me. But what I like to refer to as utter Hell of Earth.
“What?!” You all ask. “Is this mutt crazy?!” Well no, no I am not. And watch with throwing that mutt word around. We are dogs too and we have feelings.
So, you are all probably wondering, why do I not like PetSmart? Why does just saying the word chill me to the bones with pure terror? Well folks, it’s quite simple. It is a place of pure horror masked by all the things us critters love the most: bones, toys, treats, rainbows, love, happiness. You know, those sorts of things.
But all those things are just distractions. Distractions from the chamber of torture that this place really is. It’s like your stuck in an episode of American Horror Story every time you enter those automatic doors. You can’t wait to leave, but you won’t escape without losing a toe or even worse, your life!
I experienced this Hell the other day. Marlee told me we were going for a car ride. Little did I know that my pure bliss would soon turn to fright.
As soon as she made the last right to go up the hill, I knew where we were going. I started whining like a baby. I would have pooped my pants, but I wasn’t wearing any. I also would have jumped out of the door, but the child lock was on. What kind of monster had Marlee turned in to? She hadn’t been this cruel since that time she forced me in the shower with a piece of cheese. Remember that one?
She pulled into a parking spot. I knew my life would be ending soon. I whispered a little prayer. I said goodbye to the World around me. This would be the last time my four white paws touched the asphalt warmed by the sunshine. God was the only one who could save me now. Have mercy on me!!
We walked through those sliding doors of death. I once heard that a kitten lost his life trying to cross over the threashold. They say if you listen closely enough, you can hear the kitten meow with every opening of the door, warning every creature walking in to get out while they still can. It’s all speculation, but I believe it to be true.
I tried to turn around. I tried so hard to pull Marlee right back out the door. “Do you hear the meow?” I yelled. “He’s warning us!” But nothing. She still drug me through the door.
I was faced with my first torture device. The floor made of ice. I was slipping and sliding everywhere. Doing splits every other step. If I hadn’t been snipped, this would have turned out even more ugly.
Everyone just laughed at me, even Marlee. But it wasn’t funny. Not at all. It was humiliating and it was terrifying. So terrifying in fact, that I peed right in the middle of the floor. Mostly out of fear, but slightly to get back at the person who constructed such a horrid place.
I knew what the next stop was. I did the Catholic Sign of the Cross on my body for protection. I was about to leave this Earth. I knew it was coming.
She opened the second set of doors, leading in to the grooming room. There were other dogs on what I refer to as “death beds.” Some were shivering with fear, some were naked, some even looked me straight in the eye telling me to run. But it was too late. Some angel of death took hold of my leash and led me to my very own death bed. Mine even had a noose. I never thought my life would end in a hanging.
Marlee stood outside the window for a minute. I think she was telling me goodbye. I tried to plea with her one last time, but it didn’t work. The angel of death was ready to take me. She shooed Marlee away, wrapped the noose around my neck, and started up the grinder of death.
That is the last sound I remember. Everything went black. I was dead. I could just tell.
I saw a light shining at the end of a very dark tunnel. “Jesus, is that you?”
I walked towards the light. I was ready for whatever Heaven had in store for me.
I opened my eyes and was staring at the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. And, no it was not Jesus. Even though, I’m sure he would have been beautiful too. But I was looking into the eyes of my best friend Marlee, and she was holding a rawhide wrapped in a Christmas bow. Maybe I had died and this was what Heaven was like. I wasn’t complaining. But no, this was real life. I was still alive.
She gave me a kiss before walking me out the sliding doors. “See, that wasn’t so bad,” she said.
And I just thought to myself : “Yea, easy for you to say. You’re not the one who peed his fur in front of everyone, got hung by a noose, died, and then came back to life.” And no, I’m not being dramatic. That all really happened.