Hide your Kids, Hide your Wife

If you feed them, they will come. Well actually that isn’t true. It’s more like, every 17 years they come, even if you don’t feed them. Whether you like it or not, they will come. And by them, I am talking about Cicadas. 

It is time – time for the 17 year Cicada to revisit our part of Pennsylvania and other parts of the state, as well as parts of Ohio and West Virginia. Hundreds, no thousands, of these creepy, red-eyed ‘bug’gers have crawled out from under the ground to find a tree in which to eat from and a mate in which to love. Sounds harmless and endearing right? Well not for some of us, like Marlee, who can’t even handle a stink bug being anywhere in sight. For her, it’s like a horror movie in the making. 

They fly around, they land on you, and they make the most horrible noise you have ever heard. All that’s missing for the perfect horror flick is the flesh eating part, and as far as I know, they don’t do that… Yet. I don’t know a whole lot about the bug, other than what I read or Marlee has told me.  Afterall, I was not alive the last time they emerged in these parts. I am only four years old, even though you humans say I’m like 40 years old, or something crazy like that. Sometimes you humans are just as weird as the Cicadas. 

Anyway, I am writing a blog about Cicadas, so you’re all probably waiting for me to tell you how to survive the Cicada invasion. Well folks, my answer is simple: run, hide, watch your back, and watch your friend’s back. Once those suckers are at their peak, no one is safe. Okay, I’m exaggerating a little. No one is going to die, or even get stung or bit. But you will get grossed out, possibly peed on, annoyed by their loud screeching chorus used for mating, and of course the worst thing that could happen, is one could land on you. I know terrifying! 

Anyway, the only thing I have learned from Marlee and I’s countless Google searches is to go out during dusk or dawn – they are less active and less likely to attack you then. Don’t cut your grass, the sound of a lawn mower is like crack to those creatures. They will not only land on you, but they could potentially fall in love with you, and I don’t know a whole lot about nature or love, but I don’t think a cicada or human relationship can last long term – they are going to leave you in just four weeks and you’ll be heart broken. Sounds like a season of The Bachelor. Anyway, I also hear they are nice and crunchy, good and salty, and high in protein. So if you or your dog are starving, at least you have some options. Maybe marinate some of them with your steak. Sounds delicious. 

Your best option, if you don’t want to be a victim in their horror film, is to stay inside. And if you have to go outside, run really fast, don’t stand under trees, and just stay quiet. Oh, and when you do go back inside, check your back in the mirror. You could possibly have brought a new pet inside with you – one that isn’t as cute or as cuddly as us dogs.  

If everything above didn’t help you enough, just check out this seven minute video. It will make you cry, it will tear at your heart strings, but it will also make you cringe and start to twitch, thinking they are crawling on you. Good luck to all being invaded! 

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