Yea, I’m Talking to You

Bad boy. Quit chewing on that. Goodness gracious you smell…. Oh No, sorry, I’m not talking to you – I’m talking to my dog

But hey, this is a common and embarrassing mistake that all dog owners experience when having company over – saying inapropriate things out loud that are meant for your dog, but awkwardly sound like you are referring to the human in the room. 

Like the ever awkward one : Please cover yourself up. You’re making everyone uncomfortable. You are actually referring to the fact that your dog is rolled over onto his back with his willy exposed and his nipples out in the open. However, your company might end up buttoning another button on their shirt, checking their fly on their jeans, or even putting their sweater back on. They didn’t know they were making you uncomfortable by wearing a t-shirt or jeans, but hey everyone is different. 

Then there is this one : No, don’t you think about humping that. Your dog is at it again. The couch or decorative pillow is looking extra sexy for some reason, and the pooch is getting ready to start thrusting. But your company probably thinks your nuts – or maybe they are thinking, Man, how did they read my mind. That’s awkward.

And this one is common : Oh gross. You farted. Now I have to crack a window. Your dog is secretly snickering to himself, while your company is certain they didn’t have enough beans on their Mexican Burrito to produce a fart that putrid – But they still try to sniff around their persona to make sure they didn’t actually release that deadly fume that could knock out a whole country. 

Or there is this one : You pooped in my house again! Bad Boy! Your dog is crouched down in the corner of the room ashamed, but your guest is regretting the decision to ask you to use your restroom earlier. They swear they didn’t poop in it. Now they aren’t sure whether they should apologize. Awkward! 

How about this one : Goodness, your breath smells awful. Your company didn’t think they were that close to your face for you to smell their breath, but now they think it smells, so they a) cover the hole when talking b) ask for a mint or c) secretly huff in their hand to try to smell what they are working with. If you’re on a date, forget about that end of the night kiss. You just ruined it. 

And this one could get weird : Who wants a belly rub, or maybe a butt scratch. Okay, you just met this person – you’re being a little forward don’t you think? You aren’t even going to offer them a drink first? Straight to the belly rub and butt rub – wow, you’re moving fast. 

And finally this one : Let’s go for a walk. You need to lose some weight. I can’t even feel your ribs anymore. Geez, your company just came over for a nice chat. They didn’t think they would be insulted. Looks like Planet Fitness will gain another member tomorrow. How rude! 

So next time you have company over, make sure they know when you are talking to your dog or when you are talking to them. If not, things could get weird. Very, very weird. 

Okay, got that : Good Boy


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