Us dogs see you humans naked on a daily basis. It’s awkward. It’s weird. But for some reason, we can not look away.
There are many thoughts that race through our dog brains when we see you humans undress. The first thought being: Just look away. Do not stare at them. Do not make direct eye contact. They will think we are creepy. Maybe we are creepy. This is weird. We try to divert our eyes in any other direction than in the direction of your goodies. Like oh look at that crack in the wall – I’ve only seen that about every night at this time when you’re about to get into the shower. But sometimes as we scan the room trying to avoid the nakedness that is taking place in front of us, we get a little glimpse. And let me tell you, it is frightening.
It’s frightening because we are scared for your lives. For instance, it is a little nipply – I mean chilly in the house and we do not want you to catch a cold. So put some dang clothes on, or a least a collar. It is also frightening because we think there is something seriously wrong with you. Your body has absolutely no fur – how is that normal?! Are you some kind of alien – do you need to phone home?? At that point, we are about ready to take up the fetal position in the corner, because you might abduct us and take us back to your faraway planet where everyone just runs around naked, and thinks that’s okay. Let me tell you, it is definitely not okay. And lastly, you only have two nipples! It is strange and we fear for your future childrens’ lives. How are you going to supply all the nutrients when you have your first litter. There are going to be a lot of them at once, and you don’t want them fighting over who’s next up for dinner. That could get ugly fast.
We also hope that you don’t flash yourself like this in front of other dogs. They might get the wrong idea. Some might think they just entered the ball and squeaky toy aisle at the local PetSmart. Oh man, look at all those toys dangling in front of me. This is great. Oh – now they are trying to get away – we better chase those suckers down. At that point, you better run fast. Us dogs turn into vicious beasts when we think our toys are taunting us.
Some dogs are also avid humpers. It’s just something that is in their DNA. They see you naked – they mistaken you for a toy – and I don’t think I need to go any further with this. So please just be careful. Keep that bare leg away from any approaching, thrusting dog.
Finally, we circle back to the first thought again. Do not look directly at those Adam or Eve wannabes. And absolutely do not sniff anything. This is not another dog – we do not need to get to know them any better right now. Keep that snout away.
So please humans, cover your dog-gone bodies up. It will be safer for you and less awkward for us dogs.
Oh no! They are coming closer. Look away. Do not sniff anything. Do not make direct eye contact. Please, cover yourself up. Oh darn it, I looked.