A winner of the Powerball finally emerged after last nights drawing of over $1.5 billion. Now, I want you all to sit down and brace yourself for the news that I am about to tell you – Some of you might not be able to believe it. I did not have the winning ticket and I am not a billionaire. I know many of you are in shock. I mean the odds for me winning were pretty great, but sadly, I am one big loser like the rest of you reading this. And the worst part is, that I spent my only $2 on that ticket. Now I am poor and have to come up with clever ways to earn some fast cash. Ugh, I should have just got myself that flying, battery powered ball instead. I knew I would be better off.
But anyway, the thinking on how to make money quick has begun and here are some things that I have come up with. Sure, these ideas won’t make me a billionaire, but they will bring me pretty close.
- I am going to sell my half eaten rawhides, my half empty bag of dental sticks, and my torn up duck toys on Craigslist. I am thinking the bag of dental sticks will sell for about $100,000, after all, they do make your teeth spotless and shiny. The rawhides will go for about $50,000 and the duck toys will be put up for $1,000,000. I know what you are all probably thinking – that is a fantastic deal for some amazing products touched by such a famous dog blogger. Well I didn’t want to be too greedy, so I decided to give you all a steal of a deal. I know you all are ripping open those wallets now and the money will soon start pouring in to my ‘pay-paw’ account. Thank you all so much. I will remember you as I spin endlessly on my California King Bed.
- I am also going to start selling my body on Craigslist. Now, get your mind out of the gutters – I am no prostitute dog. I am simply going to charge people $1,000 each to pet my body. There are many of you out there that are super depressed that you did not win billions of dollars. Well, I got the solution for you. Pay me $1,000 dollars and start rubbing my belly. You will automatically start feeling happier – Us dogs have that effect on people. Plus I will get a little enjoyment out of it too. I am being really generous here. I normally don’t let people touch me – it is your lucky day. But please, do not tell my mother that I am selling my body on a website. She might get the wrong idea and ground me.
- I am going to open a kissing booth. I think I will call it ‘Smooch-A-Pooch’ – I know clever. What is better than petting a dog for happiness? – Getting a big, sloppy kiss on the lips from one, Duh. And don’t worry ladies, my mouth is fresh. I use dental sticks on a regular basis. Sure, I sometimes lick my butt or undercarriage and eat foreign objects outside, but I promise, you will not kiss a cleaner snout. I even have some good smelling dog cologne that I got for Christmas, so I will smell manly and sexy when you lean in for the smooch. And it will be cheap to take a turn in the ‘Smooch-A-Pooch’ booth – I will only charge $10,000 per kiss. A steal, I know.
- Finally, I am actually going to invent the flying, battery powered ball for all you disappointed pups and mutts out there. I know what many of you are probably thinking – how can a dog invent such an elaborate object. Well I am no rocket scientist, but I do write a blog and I have been called Einstein a few times in my life. My dad always says, “You wrapped your leash around a pole again. Way to go Einstein.” Or I hear “You’re chasing after your own tail again, Einstein.” So see, I am really smart – I am as smart as Albert Einstein, but he never wrote a blog, so I actually might be smarter. Plus, after this ball is invented, your life will never be the same. Dogs will have the time of their lives, and you lazy humans won’t have to worry about getting up off the couch to play with us. Make sure to tune in next month when I am on Shark Tank making millions. Then you will all be saying, “Way to go Einstein.”
So I know that many of you are super bummed you are not billionaires today and have actually lost money over the last few weeks, but don’t fret too much longer. Start coming up with ideas to make your money back and also make a little profit for when the next powerball reaches $1.5 billion. But don’t steal any of my ideas, or I’m going to have to bite you.
Sure, we didn’t win the Powerball, and that sucks. But just think, you’re soon going to have a sexy and manly pooch to smooch and pet for a cheap fee and a flying battery powered ball. I mean come on, that all is better than being a billionaire.