Home is Where the Dog is

My humans went out last night and left me at home.

While they were going to the Casino to press their luck and out to dinner in the big city to fill their stomachs, I was left behind to hang out all by myself. Just me, myself, and the headless duck I have sitting on the dresser in the bedroom.

I know what you are all probably wondering… What do dogs like me do when our humans leave and we have the house to ourselves?

Do we dance around the living room in our tighty-whities like Tom Cruise jamming to some good ole’ rock n’ roll music, do we raid the kitchen cupboards for the most random ingredients to stack high on a sandwich, or do we overflow the bathtub with hot, soapy water, while we soak away the stresses of the day with some bubble-bath and white wine?

…………Unfortunately the life of a dog is not that exciting.

When my humans leave, I start the evening out right by sprawling out all across the bed. There is no one there to push me off or shove me in the corner. No, it’s just me, four pillows to put my smelly feet on, and clean sheets to fart on and shed all over. No one can tell me I’m acting like such a ‘dog’ and need to mind my bedroom manners. That bed is mine for five hours and I am going to do whatever I want in it.


Next, I make my way down to the coach. I start off on the right side, and chill out there for about an hour or two just staring at the wall. Sometimes if I am lucky, there will be a stink bug crawling around that I can follow with my stare. Trust me, it’s like watching the Discovery Channel; it never disappoints and it’s very educational. Finally, I make my way to the left side. It is there where I do all my people watching. I put up the recliner, lean against the back rest, and spread my hind legs apart. After all, you do need time to air out the downstairs, and you can’t really do that around your mother. It’s inappropriate.

  While looking out the window, I see all sorts of interesting and humorous sights. I see the monstrous Great Dane next door pull it’s tiny owner up the hill. It has more strength and body mass then the Incredible Hulk, but as soon as the back car door opens to the owner’s Range Rover, the ‘Incredible Hulk’ turns into a toddler that needs boosted up and placed in the seat.

I then see the girl from two doors down walking her cat on a leash. Now, I’m not one to judge. I am a Jesus loving dog, but a cat on a leash is just weird. Maybe it’s just my jealousy talking. After all, I wouldn’t mind being at the end of that leash taking a nice stroll down the sidewalk.

I also see the young boys from four doors down riding a tricycle. No, not a bicycle, a tricycle. It actually looks like a ton of fun, and for a second, I invision myself riding one of those bad boys through the parking lot. That would be more interesting to watch then a cat being walked on a leash. A dog like me riding a tricycle, yea that would be amazing.

Finally, I see the best sight of the evening. I see Marlee and Zach getting out of the car and walking towards the front door.

“Oh boy, oh boy, my humans are home!”

I leap off the couch, and hug them the moment they walk in. I don’t even give them a chance to take their shoes off. I push them against the door and kiss them all over.

Yes, laying on the big bed all by myself was amazing, and sitting on the couch staring out the window was a blast, but being with my humans has got to be the best thing in the World.

After hours of being home alone, I don’t mind sharing the bed or the couch and I don’t mind keeping my farts to a minimum.

I’m between the two people I love the most, watching a Lifetime movie, and I couldn’t be happier.

So yea, the life of a dog is not as interesting as what you see in the movies. But when you have owners like mine, the life of a dog, my life, is pretty great.

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